Bunker Hill "Church Chuckles"
For the Corny Christian
An Atheist decided to take a vacation, and go fishing. He picked as his destination
the Loch Ness in Scotland. While out in a boat fishing, the Loch Ness Monster approached
and hissed at him.
The Atheist cried out, "Lord, save me, help me Lord!"
A voice from Heaven came down and said, "I thought you did not believe in Me!"
Replied the Atheist, "A minute ago, I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness Monster, either."
After the dedication of his baby brother in church, a four-year-old boy sobbed all
the way home in the backseat of the car. His mom and dad asked him three times what
was wrong, getting no reply, only more sobbing.
Finally, the boy replied: The preacher said he wanted us to be brought
up in a Christian home, but I wanted to stay with you guys!"
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle,
and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and
says, "I've got news for you - you're going straight to hell!"
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Good heavens, I'm
on the wrong bus!"
"If evolution really works, how come mothers have only two hands?"
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked
at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible,
and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree
that had been pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the
boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think
it's Adam's suit!"
The Sunday School teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say your
prayers before eating?" "No sir," he replied, "We don't have to. My
mom is a good cook!"
A little boy was riding the elevator at a breathtaking speed to the 20th floor of a skyscraper.
With eyes as big as saucers he asked his father, "Daddy, does God know we're coming?"
And then hand count -- your blessings!
Question: How many wives does the Bible allow a man to have?
Answer: 16 -- 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer and 4 poorer
I know a friend who goes to a church that is so progressive that when
they do the Christmas story, the three Wise Men are bringing gift certificates.
God was at His best when He made humans.
He made four holes in the head for information
to go in, and only one for it to go out.
After preparing a sermon one night Rev. Mary Brown must have looked tired
and worn out. Her husband came into the den to cheer her up with this riddle:
"What do you call a woman minister when she gets older?"
Answer: "Pastor Prime."
Large sign posted in church parking lot: "This parking lot is for members only.
Violators will be baptized."
A young man once asked God how long a million years was to Him.
God replied, "A million years to me is just like a second in your time."
Then the young man asked God what a million dollars was to Him. God replied,
"A million dollars to me is just like a single penny to you."
Then the young man got his courage up and asked: "God, could I have
one of your pennies?"
God smiled and replied, "Certainly, just a second.",
Boy to his mother: "You never mention the dirt I track out!"
Quiz: The man who smiles when things go wrong is either
(a) a faithful follower of Jesus Christ, or
(b) has found someone he can blame it on.
Maybe the reason children aren’t taught good manners is that
there aren’t enough qualified instructors around.
If clergymen can be defrocked and lawyers debarred, doesn’t it follow that:
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted or decomposed,cowboys deranged,
models deposed, dry cleaners depressed, laundry workers could decrease (eventually
becoming depressed and depleted), bed-makers will be debunked, baseball players
will be debased, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered,
software engineers will be detested, and BVD manufacturers will be debriefed.
On a more positive note though, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.
An aging and ailing father concerned that money may be needed in heaven, asked his
three grown children if they would promise to place $1,000 in his casket when the
time came for his journey to the hereafter. They each promised they would.
When the old man’s time finally came, his eldest son placed $1,000 in the open casket.
Next his grieving daughter stepped forward and placed 10 crisp $100 bills inside.
Finally Slick, as he was called, wiped his face with a handkerchief, whispered good-bye,
deposited a check for $3,000, and picked up the $2,000 in cash.
A young pastor moved to a new church and during his first week was called upon to have a
funeral. The day arrived for the service and the church was full. The time came in the
service for eulogy. Since the new and young pastor did not know the individual, he asked
if someone would like to say some good words about the deceased. He waited and no one came.
He waited until the sweat was running down the back of his neck.
Finally, when the silence was almost unbearable, an old farmer in the back row lifted
himself up to full stature and said with a voice of authority, "His brother was worse."
It’s been said, a Consultant is just an ordinary person a long way from home.
A theologian named Tweedle refused to accept his degree, saying, "It’s bad enough
being Tweedle without being ‘Tweedle, D.D."
"For a complete list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the
quality of your life, please press 3."
When a small boy came home from Sunday school, his father asked him what he had learned
"The teacher told us about the Children of Israel escaping from Egypt," the boy replied,
"and when they came to the Red Sea they pumped up their inflatable boats so they could
get away from the Pharaoh’s soldiers."
"Now, wait a minute," said Dad. "Is that the way it really happened?"
The little boy replied: "If I told it the way she did, you would never believe it."
A Few Definitions
Baptistry: A church's swimming pool. Designed by a finance committee with a
concern for cutting costs.
Leap of Faith: Bungee jumping with a Bible.
Temptation: Something you want to do but know you shouldn't. See Sin.
Actually, don't see Sin since sin sometimes leads to temptation.
Our favorite attitude should be gratitude.
Aunt Mary asks: Where have you been Jennifer?
To Sunday School, she replied.
What do you have in your hand?
Oh, just an ad about Heaven.
After examining the contents of the church suggestion box, Pastor Overhill complained,
"I wish they’d be more specific.
What kind of kite?
Murphy’s Law Goes To Church:
· Saying "let us pray" will cause every baby to cry.
· This year’s lowest attendance will occur when the executive presbyter comes visiting.
· The shorter the agenda the longer the meeting.
· If there’s a shortage of ushers, attendance will be large.
Why is it...
A man or woman blames most accidents on fate or God, but feels a more personal responsibility
when he or she makes a hole-in-one on the golf course.
Real Church Bulletin Announcements:
= "Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication will follow."
= "For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs."
= "Remember in pray all those who are sick of our church and community."
= "Tonight’s Sermon is ‘What is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice."
THOUGHTS ON AGING:
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out,
fall out, or spread out.
There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the
only thing you care to exercise.
A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly,
"I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"
The son replied, "That's easy, Daddy. It stands for
'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"
The world is composed of givers and takers.
The takers may eat better, but the givers sleep better.
A new baby was born in a neighborhood church. His parent’s named him Samuel.
A few weeks later another baby was born at the same church, and given the same name.
In the church nursery they were quickly dubbed "first and second Samuel."
Presbyterians are the only denomination to anticipate the present computer age
in naming ourselves. Exactly in the middle of our name, a key term: PresBYTErian.
(Requires a slight adjustment in pronunciation when explaining to mid-schoolers.)
A dad was listening to his child say his prayer "Dear Harold".
At this, dad interrupted and said, "Wait a minute.
How come you called God, ‘Harold’"?
The little boy looked up and said, "That’s what they call him in church.
You know the prayer we say, "Our Father, who are in Heaven, Harold be Thy name."
"Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle."
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close.
Child to Pastor: I would like to go to Heaven someday because I know my
brother won't be there.
Last spring my son and I planted tomatoes in our backyard. A few months later
he was amazed when they actually grew. He said we must have had a "Gardening Angle".
A preacher was winding up his temperance sermon with great fervor, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And the congregation cried, "Amen!"
"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river.
"And the congregation cried, "Amen!"
"And if I had all the whiskey and demon rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river." And the congregation cried, Hallelujah!
The preacher sat down.
The song leader stood up very tentatively and announced, For our closing song, let us sing hymn #365, "Shall we gather at the river."
God was at His best when He made humans. He made four holes in the head
for information to go in, and only one for it to go out.
The words "The Gate of Heaven" were inscribed over the big doors of an old church.
Just underneath it was a cardboard sign hanging on a string with letters crudely
written that read:
"Please use other entrance."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how
to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
A Sunday school teacher was talking to her class about the difference between right and wrong.
"For example," she said. "If I were to put my hand into a man's pocket and take his billfold
with all his money, what would I be?"
A little boy smiled, raised his hand, and confidently blurted out, "You'd be his wife!"
Road Signs from the Lord:
- That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it. -The Lord
- Will the road you're on get you to my place? -The Lord
- Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding. -The Lord
- My way is the highway. -The Lord
- Do you have any idea where you're going? -The Lord
- Don't make me come down there. -The Lord
Shampooing her 4-year-old, Mom noted his hair growing so fast
he'd soon need it cut.
He replied, "Maybe we shouldn't water it so much."
During a children's sermon, the pastor asked the children what
A little boy raised his hand and said, "It means -
'Tha-tha-tha-that's all folks!"
- God answers knee-mail.
- Sorry looks back. Worry looks around. Faith looks up.
- Jesus invested His life in you. Have you shown any interest?
- Have you read my number 1 best seller? There will be a test. - God
- The Ten Commandments are not multiple choice.
- We are called to be witnesses, not lawyers.
- Sin is agreeing with temptation.
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